[rmpackers]

Originally Posted by Camarowguy

You are the one who made a mistake. Then you added this person to Facebook....another mistake. Just put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel? You wouldn't like it either. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you probably aren't telling the whole story and possibly telling it in your favor. Don't worry tho, your human and that's natural. You need to just rethink this situation. You did wrong, plain and simple...you didn't think beforehand if this other person was worth losing your family over...which you did. You need to learn from this. Let her go. Visit with your children and move on with your life. Just next time thing before you act. I'm not condemning you, just shooting straight. Always always do this before you even consider infidelity:
- think is this chick worth losing my family and my way of life
- would I want my wife/girlfriend doing this to me?
Those two questions will keep you out of trouble if you live by them. I do.

While marriage may get boring sometimes, and you may think it's fun and exciting to fling around with someone new....in the big picture...it's not worth it. Good luck to you. And remember, let her go...don't bug her...act normal when your around her. Do nOt ask her back. Be nice. Don't act interested in her anymore. You might get lucky and her give you another chance. (don't screw it up if she does) don't apologize anymore, that brings hard feelings. This advice I'm giving you really does work.

ditto x a thousand!

[rydahog]

For now the single best thing you can do is..............DO NOT FIND ANOTHER WOMAN!!
Get your act together first,,lots of hurdles,, child support, divorce,lawyers,,,etc.you dont need someone in your life at this time, good luck..

[navyblue2000]

I was the one that wanted counseling this time around. I was surprised she agreed to it.

But yes, as a newly single dad, I am doing everything I can to make things easy on the kids. I don't say anything about their mom with them in earshot, whether it's to them or just with them around...the kids don't need to hear anything like that anyway. There's actually a mention in the dissolution decree that neither us nor others may make disparaging remarks about the other to the kids, or with the kids around. Kids are echo boxes, so if they hear something they shouldn't, it'll come out.

I have no desire for anyone else. And I don't bug her about it. I'm getting myself in order, because if there IS a fix down the road, it starts with me fixing me and her eventually fixing her.

[Camarowguy]

I would like to add, I wasn't coming down on you, but sometimes people need to hear their mistakes from an outside source to actually consider they might be wrong. I'm sure you realize this. I'm sorry that you have to go through this....cause it's no fun and I hope I don't have to ever go through it myself. But please leave her alone. I tell you this in your benefit. If she really loves you, she will cone back on her own. Would you really want her back due to the fact that you begged her or that she returned on her own and forgave you? Just be patient my man, it pays inbrhe long run...cause what ever happens on it's own was likely for the better.

Women don't like to be pestered when problems arise. She will come to you when she wants to talk. You push her away by bringing it up. Sometimes the best thing to do is leave it alone, don't talk about it and forget it. But if you pester her, that won't happen...it will make the anger inside worse. Just be cool and get your life back together.

[CamaroSkooter]

So, basically, your ex-wife got a divorce from you because you were talking to an old fling?

That seems like a load of crap to me. Your ex-wife just wanted out of the marriage so that she could go be with some new guy. I hope you're able to put her completely in your rear-view 'cause she's toxic.

Just because you have to share custody of your kids with her doesn't mean you should attempt to share anything else with her.

It may be difficult at first, but you need to figure out how to cut all emotional ties from her. She will only bring you down from this point forward.

And like everyone else has said, make sure that when you're with your kids, the conversation needs to always be about the future, not about the past. If you can show your kids that you're still a competent father and know what's right and wrong, they'll be better for it.

[Doc]

Understand something about women... when you ask if it's "okay" to do something you know they don't like, and they say "sure", "if you really want to", "fine" or whatever... that is NOT permission... it's a DARE. If you go ahead and do it, it will dig in and take root in them and they will never forget it. They may forgive... maybe, but they will never forget. It will sit there like a grenade in their hidden arsenal, waiting to be rolled out under your feet should they feel the need. It can be years later; many years... but they can recall it instantly in detail you yourself can't even remember.

If you ask them to pick up something at the store they'll come home from the store without it having forgot you even asked. But years later they can instantly remember everything you did that they said was "fine" at the time. Women are strange creatures; lovable most of the time; some of the time. They always talk about wanting communication but never tell you a damned thing when you ask; you're just supposed "to know".

Don't live your life for her; do what's right and honorable for yourself and your kids. She's got that other guy in her life and did before you separated. It was her way of "showing you how it feels". She's still in self-righteous "justice and vengeance" mode. She believes you've been doing what she's doing, so in her mind she's fully justified in doing what she's doing.

You may never get her back; be prepared for that. Don't live for the possibility she may come back. Don't live to prove anything, just live to be a good man and a good father. Be nice towards her, be kind, be good. She may or may not deserve that but that's not why you do it; you do it because it's good for you to be that kind of person. Keeps you clean inside with your light on, instead of dark and full of bad things.

Change up some things; get involved in your church social activities. Be active; don't just sit around thinking about it or the past. Work on modding your car. Remodel the house; repaint; re-landscape; do something creative you enjoy. And pray that God do what's best for you, your kids, and her. And then live your life; you'll be fine.

[mothraisnotapokemon]

Originally Posted by navyblue2000

It's funny, I've actually been doing these exact things. I don't talk to her about getting back together...because I know for one it's way too early, and two I know she doesn't want to hear it. I started counseling last week too, and am on an antidepressant as well.

Actually, this woman wrote my wife an apology letter. It was over two and a half years between contact with this person too.

As I said before, I would have NEVER gotten back into contact with this person if I didn't think (because she said it was alright to) she was okay with it. Ah well. You live and learn. It was my mistake, yes, and I tried to make it right. As soon as she said she wasn't happy because of that, I took her off my facebook and that was that. Funny part it when we went to the counselor I brought up the fact that she had regular contact with a male friend, and I started to become uncomfortable with it, but she refused to stop because, in her words "I've never given you a reason not to trust me." Counselor told her it would be best for her to stop contact with him too, because even though this guy friend had been through a lot, she couldn't "be the head cheerleader for two guys". Somewhere between the end of the counseling session and 2 hours later when we met with our pastor, she had sent him a facebook message "Counseling session was great, can't wait to tell you more later". She wanted to tell him about how the counselor got onto me pretty hard about what I did.

Hint: When you give someone your email passwords (she wanted mine, and she gave me hers), make sure you delete your deleted items folder if you have something to hide. She didn't, and I found several facebook messages that were questionable. For example, why would someone send you a facebook message at midnight saying "You're probably sound asleep, but I just wanted to say hi", without ANY kind of thoughts or motives? She claims she really just wanted to say hi, but I can't help but think that's a lie...
PLUS, for as many times as she said she wouldn't stop talking to this guy on the premise or "I've never given you a reason not to trust me", the DAY AFTER she packed up and left I called her and said "Hey, look...while you're still my wife, PLEASE stop talking to him." She said "OK', and according to her phone usage (she was still on my account for a few weeks after that), She didn't call or text this guy. weird.

You ever seen jo brown or judge judy. You see when ever the person feels like their not getting the response they want they throw the other person under the bus. I'm sorry this is happening to you, I really am. But you done did wrong andyour ex isn't here to defend herself or tell us her side. Your an adult with kids you don't throw anyone under the bus.

[Overflow]

Here's advice for the kids; keep them out of it and don't fight infront of them. Trust me.

[Tessa]

Originally Posted by Camarowguy

You are the one who made a mistake. Then you added this person to Facebook....another mistake. Just put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel? You wouldn't like it either. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you probably aren't telling the whole story and possibly telling it in your favor. Don't worry tho, your human and that's natural. You need to just rethink this situation. You did wrong, plain and simple...you didn't think beforehand if this other person was worth losing your family over...which you did. You need to learn from this. Let her go. Visit with your children and move on with your life. Just next time thing before you act. I'm not condemning you, just shooting straight. Always always do this before you even consider infidelity:
- think is this chick worth losing my family and my way of life
- would I want my wife/girlfriend doing this to me?
Those two questions will keep you out of trouble if you live by them. I do.

While marriage may get boring sometimes, and you may think it's fun and exciting to fling around with someone new....in the big picture...it's not worth it. Good luck to you. And remember, let her go...don't bug her...act normal when your around her. Do nOt ask her back. Be nice. Don't act interested in her anymore. You might get lucky and her give you another chance. (don't screw it up if she does) don't apologize anymore, that brings hard feelings. This advice I'm giving you really does work.

I'm going to have to agree here....Coming from the other side of this.

Not that I think her being indecisive helped - Frankly, I DO think she should have straight up said get the fck out or never speak to that girl again....but...still. You had the choice to not talk to the girl or re-friend her.

Aside from her issues, what you did was straight up wrong.

I went thorugh plenty of bad times in my marriage and I never ONCE went to anyone for things like that. These conversations weren't just talking out problems and asking a friend for support -- this was you cheating, just as much as if you'd fcked her. With women, there is a clear line. Some shit you do NOT do with anyone but your woman.

My husband was my best friend, I trusted him - with everything -- including things I have sworn I will NEVER trust another living soul with again. He lied to me, he lied to other people about me, he told other people things about my life they had NO business or right to know. He stole from me and conned my family and his -- he is overall the biggest sociopath I have ever met.

I would never want to repeat that part of my life, but I'm glad for the lies and the cheating -- otherwise I would still be with him and I would be miserable. He never loved me, he never complimented me, he never supported anything I wanted to do or be. He was a pretty bad person - for having a personality that could con you into liking him. He didn't give a shit about anyone else - it was all about who liked him and how much. He never had to pay for his mistakes. Even now, his family probably never mentions what he did or how awful he is as a human being, b/c they don't want to have to "deal" with that kind of stuff. Must be fcking nice. Even his two arrests for drunk driving, like they never happened. Never had to pay for any of that.

Sometimes bad things happen for a reason - I wouldn't be the person I am today if he'd been different, if he hadn't cheated and lied -- and I sure as shit wouldn't be as happy as I am. (you know, most of the time ).
I'm glad (now that it's all long over) that it happened this way -- there are better things out there. Better people. You need to learn to be one of those better people -- what you did, was cold. Next time - either man up and admit you aren't happy with the woman you're with, or talk to her -- don't go to some other girl to make you feel better. That's just low.

[navyblue2000]

Originally Posted by mothraisnotapokemon

You ever seen jo brown or judge judy. You see when ever the person feels like their not getting the response they want they throw the other person under the bus. I'm sorry this is happening to you, I really am. But you done did wrong andyour ex isn't here to defend herself or tell us her side. Your an adult with kids you don't throw anyone under the bus.

I certainly wasn't attempting to throw her under the bus or vindicate myself. Sorry you took it that way.

Again, I know what I did was wrong. I definitely regret it and did what i could to make things right. Some people intend to leave a marriage, I know I screwed up but I never wanted out. But I'm paying for it.

[evan]

I'm still sticking with my story that women confuse me... You weren't wrong bud, people do crazy things when they're in love... THEREFORE: LOVE is what is wrong! lol

[CamaroSkooter]

Disclaimer: This is partly why I choose to be single...

[evan]

Originally Posted by CamaroSkooter

Disclaimer: This is partly why I choose to be single...

Funny you mention it, yesterday all my buddies at work were complaining about their wives... then I thought to myself how freaking awesome it was to be un-married again, lol.

[CamaroSkooter]

It's much less expensive too