01-28-2008, 02:45 PM | #1 |
Drives: RX-8 Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Surrey UK
Posts: 5
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If Only ....
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God save the Queen. Be gentle with me guys |
01-28-2008, 03:02 PM | #2 | ||
Truth Enforcer
Drives: anything I can get my hands on Join Date: Sep 2006
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he bobbled the googedy.
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A group as a whole tends to be smarter than the smartest person in that group until one jackass convinces everyone otherwise. Quote:
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01-28-2008, 03:03 PM | #3 |
I used to be Dragoneye...
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And...we'll dump your tea again...how's That for resistance, huh?
That's funny, bigwhithey! |
01-28-2008, 03:24 PM | #4 |
Moderator
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I'm still free as long as I'm in Kansas!
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01-28-2008, 03:48 PM | #5 |
Blessed
Drives: 2013 Sonic RS MT Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Saint Augustine FL
Posts: 28,444
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So our strategy to keep you guys across the pond guessing... Is working...
That was pretty funny.
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Click image to see build thread. PQ - "the love of cars. It's a boys first step toward manhood and a mans last hold on boyhood." Fbodfather - "We do not want to use the Z28 moniker on a car that does not deserve this hallowed name." The_Blur - "Let's not confuse competitors with equals." |
01-28-2008, 04:00 PM | #6 |
Moderator.ca
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We've had a Queen and a Governer General for ~150 years. Its not that bad. I have an alternative solution though, we could adopt them as our 4th Territory. If not, thats fine. Can we just have Alaska? It really makes more sense for us to have it, don't you think?
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__________________ Originally Posted by FbodFather My sister's dentist's brother's cousin's housekeeper's dog-breeder's nephew sells coffee filters to the company that provides coffee to General Motors...... ........and HE WOULD KNOW!!!!__________________ Camaro Fest sub-forum |
01-28-2008, 04:10 PM | #7 |
Blessed
Drives: 2013 Sonic RS MT Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Saint Augustine FL
Posts: 28,444
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NO! You certaily may not have Alaska. Don't you know we need it for strategic snow harvesting. Geeees!
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Click image to see build thread. PQ - "the love of cars. It's a boys first step toward manhood and a mans last hold on boyhood." Fbodfather - "We do not want to use the Z28 moniker on a car that does not deserve this hallowed name." The_Blur - "Let's not confuse competitors with equals." |
01-28-2008, 04:12 PM | #8 | |
That was awesome. Especially these ones:
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I grew up in Alaska, are you sure you guys want it? |
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01-28-2008, 05:44 PM | #9 |
Falcon Punch
Drives: Scion tC (way too slow) Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 127
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01-28-2008, 07:45 PM | #10 |
C5 Member #227
Drives: Camaros Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 808
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That's funny and in many cases true.
But if you try it we'll make a parking lot out of your "Great" country. As for our Canadian friends, be thankful for your big brother, you'd all be speaking Russian if it weren't for us. Yes I know it's self serving, we need your beer, hockey and strip clubs. God Bless the USA! Home of the free because of the brave! Before anyone gets upset, relax, I'm just giving it back. What does of any of this have to do with the Camaro? And why did I even bother to reply? |
01-28-2008, 08:20 PM | #11 | |
I used to be Dragoneye...
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We should just go for a merger of countries...just to piss Russia, and China off because our 'country' would be bigger. Call it...Canamerica. Or Americada |
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01-28-2008, 09:25 PM | #12 |
SoCal Race Team #13
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Wasn't there a movie about some boyscouts conquering canada?
Oh and the usual That said.. some things could really use some improvement from "across the pond"
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01-28-2008, 11:20 PM | #13 |
The "Mad Hamster"
Drives: '71 Camaro, '90 mx5, '71 2002 Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Placerville, CA
Posts: 1,610
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Viva La Resistance
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01-29-2008, 12:21 AM | #14 | |
Moderator.ca
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Wanna talk war eh?
Well last time I checked we only lost 1 war and that was your Revolutionary War (this is lumping together our time as British North America and as Canada, as Canada we've never lost). We did beat you in the War of 1812 when you invaded, I believe we set fire to the White House, among other places in Washington. Vietnam didn't work out very well for you either. Oh, and joke all you want about our navy, we have some good ones of yours Quote:
Lastly I know this is all in good fun
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Note, if I've gotten any facts wrong in the above, just ignore any points I made with them
__________________ Originally Posted by FbodFather My sister's dentist's brother's cousin's housekeeper's dog-breeder's nephew sells coffee filters to the company that provides coffee to General Motors...... ........and HE WOULD KNOW!!!!__________________ Camaro Fest sub-forum |
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