[navyblue2000]

I'll try to make a long story as short as possible.

Three years ago, shortly after my son was born, I had an emotional affair. It was an old friend from when I was younger. We reconnected on facebook, and as innocently as things started, they decayed. Emails, text messages, just not good. I realized I was looking forward to getting to work so I could text this girl all day. Well, I realized I was being a fool, and fessed up. Of course, my wife was not at all pleased about this, but she assured me we would work through it, and that as long as I would not do it anymore, things would end up okay.

Two years later (last year), she says she still isn't happy from what happened, and we need to get counseling. The day before our first session, we find out she's pregnant. We had been trying for a baby, she had stopped her birth control in the middle of June. It was July 4th weekend she told me she wasn't happy. We went to counseling the 3rd week or so of July. We only went the once, as I would find out much later that it was because she wanted to keep stress off the baby. OK, fine. I wish she would have told me that instead of dancing around questions of when we would see the counselor again.

I November of 2010, she and I had a conversation about this girl, that I had not been in contact with her, that we DID have several of the same friends, and that I wanted to make things right so that if we saw each other in public, we wouldn't have to run the other way or be really awkward. The then-wife said "that's fine, be careful". the then-wife and I had exchanged emails over this, and she even said she was glad how far I had come over the summer. So, with what seemed to be my wife's permission, I added this girl on facebook. There was hardly any conversation, and NOTHING personal exchanged. Then-wife had been facebook friends with this girl since before my son was born..."to keep tabs on me" she said later, long after I removed this girl the first time

Our daughter was born March 10. Fast forward to 6 weeks after that, the day before easter. She says she's not happy again, is done trying. She saw that this girl was a mutual friend now on facebook. I tried explaining the conversation we had back in November, but she didn't want to hear it. We spend the next week in the same house, she goes out of town and makes it very clear she wants me gone when she gets home. So we live apart for a week and start counseling again. Seems like we make good progress for 2 sessions. We have a bit of an argument on a Saturday night, she refuses to go to church with me on Sunday, and decides she is going to contact a divorce lawyer instead of going back to counseling. On Monday, she packs her stuff, takes the kids, and leaves. That was the third week of May I believe. The divorce was finalized July 6.

Now, I am still a mess over this. I wanted to and did my best to make things right. She is totally apathetic. We would try to talk, I wear tear up a little, she'd just tell me to stop crying, and didn't understand why I was so upset. "Get it through your head, we're NOT getting back together!" she would say. I'm torn up. I started on anti-depressants, started seeing a counselor on my own, meanwhile the ex is totally indifferent towards me. She offers no explanation, doesn't feel the need to explain herself, won't tell me anything. I have a VERY hard time believing someone could "move on" so quickly. She even told me "I'm looking forward to being a single mom". I heard her talking to someone at her church's vacation bible school last night, this lady was talking to her about bringing the kids to church, every other weekend because they were at their dad's every other weekend. She just looked at her, all smiles, kind of laughing "oh yeah, my kids are like that too".

I have a 3 year old son and 5 month old daughter...she thought divorce was "best for the kids", yet my son, even just being three, constantly asks me if mommy will stay with us, or if I will go back to mama's with him. Definitely sounds best for the kids.

Anyone have an ex-spouse like this? I mean, I'm honestly waiting for her to hit the wall and realize she made a huge mistake. I'm not holding my breath, but kind of hoping for it. I think there may be some post partum issues as well, with as quickly as she moved with everything, and how soon everything happened after the baby was born. If she didn't want to be married anymore, I wish she would have said so, instead of writing my family blistering emails about how I had been such a horrible husband having an emotional affair three years ago, and how she held it inside for so long.

ok, sorry for the novel.

[JETG]

That really sucks to hear. I have been divorced, but no kids. I cant help ya on that part. My divorce was bad, but over time things got better. My ex was married less than a year later. In the end, I am very happy things went the way they did. She was crazy, just have to give it time and move on. I know this is not what you want to hear, as no one does. But have to just keep your cool and leave her be. Either she will on her own realize she made a mistake or she will move on. The best thing is stop holding on to what was and move forward with life. The less contact you have with her, probably the best. This way she has time to miss you and the marriage. Good luck

[evan]

I feel for ya man, I really do... Heart breaking women, they're everywhere!
I'm not trying to make light of your situation...

I am concluding the finishing touches of a divorce(literally this month). She was cheating on me, admitted to it, her father told me about it as well, then several months later she changed the story to "i never cheated on you, you pressured me to tell you" which wasnt the case considering the first time I asked her about it was even the first time I hinted at it, she fessed up. Women confuse the crap out of me. Me being in the Navy and the fact that military members give up so many rights when they marry because of the countless dead-beats that caused these modern rules to be written in blood only made it worse.

I didn't have any kids with her, but I loved the little girls she had, it really sucked having to give that all up.

Time always helps heal things, as cliche as that sounds... My personal advice to you is to be as positive as possible. I started working out like a machine when my relationship went down hil, then I bought my camaro and that became my new love. Focusing on new things, especially constructive things, will help.

Another thing that helped me was never asking why (even though I REALLY wanted to) and never doing my best to wonder why. Pointing the finger at her or yourself will not find you an answer or a conclusion that will comfort you either, that will only cause hours of lost sleep, and stress on your body that will shorten youre life-span for sure...

GL man...

[Camarowguy]

You are the one who made a mistake. Then you added this person to Facebook....another mistake. Just put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel? You wouldn't like it either. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you probably aren't telling the whole story and possibly telling it in your favor. Don't worry tho, your human and that's natural. You need to just rethink this situation. You did wrong, plain and simple...you didn't think beforehand if this other person was worth losing your family over...which you did. You need to learn from this. Let her go. Visit with your children and move on with your life. Just next time thing before you act. I'm not condemning you, just shooting straight. Always always do this before you even consider infidelity:
- think is this chick worth losing my family and my way of life
- would I want my wife/girlfriend doing this to me?
Those two questions will keep you out of trouble if you live by them. I do.

While marriage may get boring sometimes, and you may think it's fun and exciting to fling around with someone new....in the big picture...it's not worth it. Good luck to you. And remember, let her go...don't bug her...act normal when your around her. Do nOt ask her back. Be nice. Don't act interested in her anymore. You might get lucky and her give you another chance. (don't screw it up if she does) don't apologize anymore, that brings hard feelings. This advice I'm giving you really does work.

[Camarowguy]

O and this is why we dont have a Facebook also. Asking for trouble.

[CaniacFan]

Divorce is never fun or easy. It's a draining emotional roller coaster more times than not pits two once loving individuals against each other.

Adding the third party to facebook was a huge mistake. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? It would hurt.

I too was pursued a divorce and discovered I was pregnant with our third child. State of Ohio won't allow you to divorce to determine paternity. So I had to stay in an unhealthy, abusive home for almost another year (couldn't afford an apartment and pay half the house payment, daycare, etc) on my income.

That was 1990 and we still to this day can't talk like two civilized adults. Two of the three kids are married. He had other prioritites until he realized I was really going to leave. He pursued me for six months and I had to have the cops involved a couple times and he was charged in court twice.

I remarried in 1991 and will celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary this September 14th (the day my first granddaughter is due to be born). Have never been happier. We had one child together as he has never been previously married and inherited my three kids (and he was 25 at the time).

We only heard your side of the story, ya wife may have had some post-partum issues, but if she keeps bringing this topic up every couple months - it's not going to be healthy for her, you or your two young children.

Children bounce back quickly when they are young like yours are.

I'd say it wasn't meant to be - and time to move on. Good Luck. Lori

[navyblue2000]

Camarowguy...I'm doing the best to tell the story as honestly as I can, plain and simple. We actually both deleted our facebook accounts not long after we started having issues. I still don't have one anymore, she reactivated hers the weekend after the divorce.

Lori, our daughter was a miracle baby, I can't fathom that things "weren't meant to be". Yes I made mistakes. No marriage or spouse is perfect. I would never have done it if I didn't think it was okay, and even then I shouldn't have done it. But she should have removed that person a long time ago too. But there's no use arguing that anymore. It's all about the kids for now, working on myself, and maybe down the road she will miss the way things were. I sure do. But I don't harp on her about it.

[4thGen427CI]

My mother had an affair with my step dad 3 years prior to my parents divorce when I was only 12... And throughout the rest of my school career she knived my dad for money fought him and argued against my step mother who is a saint! And she swore up and down her sh*t didn't stink... yeah mom okay. Then she wants to take us from my dad. I wasn't having that, I told my dad if she wanted to go that route I'll get my own public defender and move with my dad and get custody to see my sisters. People always say whats best for the kids but they think more for themselves

[mothraisnotapokemon]

Yeah I agree with camarowguy. You screwed the pooch....after you ended it you started right back up...id hate to know what your ex read or heard when she befriended the other women. I hope she was worth it...cuz you just basically told your ex you couldn't quit the other women.

[mothraisnotapokemon]

Give her and yourself time. Be there for your kids and know their never as ignorant of the situation as yu might think. Good luck, keep yourself busy and work on you. Peace of advice try solo counseling it helps

[hrpiii]

Well, as much as I would like to jump on the bandwagon and say you did it, something is not right on her side. I do NOT think you are getting the full story from her. I'm betting money, she is seeing a male friend, lets just say "for advice". If you are emotional and really wanting to work it out, and she does not, do not put your boat in that water. GET AWAY. It's a two way street and she is on a one way street out of town, you should go the other way.

The past is exactly that, the past, what you and her need to be looking at is the future and where to go from here. Swallow that pride pill and let you both search for happiness. Don't be a thorn in her side about wanting to get back together or use that stupid "rekindle" crap. It won't happen over night. If it does years down the road, good, but for now. Go your own way, think of the kids and how best to give them what they need, be there for them <-- them, not her.

[navyblue2000]

Originally Posted by mothraisnotapokemon

Give her and yourself time. Be there for your kids and know their never as ignorant of the situation as yu might think. Good luck, keep yourself busy and work on you. Peace of advice try solo counseling it helps

It's funny, I've actually been doing these exact things. I don't talk to her about getting back together...because I know for one it's way too early, and two I know she doesn't want to hear it. I started counseling last week too, and am on an antidepressant as well.

Actually, this woman wrote my wife an apology letter. It was over two and a half years between contact with this person too.

As I said before, I would have NEVER gotten back into contact with this person if I didn't think (because she said it was alright to) she was okay with it. Ah well. You live and learn. It was my mistake, yes, and I tried to make it right. As soon as she said she wasn't happy because of that, I took her off my facebook and that was that. Funny part it when we went to the counselor I brought up the fact that she had regular contact with a male friend, and I started to become uncomfortable with it, but she refused to stop because, in her words "I've never given you a reason not to trust me." Counselor told her it would be best for her to stop contact with him too, because even though this guy friend had been through a lot, she couldn't "be the head cheerleader for two guys". Somewhere between the end of the counseling session and 2 hours later when we met with our pastor, she had sent him a facebook message "Counseling session was great, can't wait to tell you more later". She wanted to tell him about how the counselor got onto me pretty hard about what I did.

Hint: When you give someone your email passwords (she wanted mine, and she gave me hers), make sure you delete your deleted items folder if you have something to hide. She didn't, and I found several facebook messages that were questionable. For example, why would someone send you a facebook message at midnight saying "You're probably sound asleep, but I just wanted to say hi", without ANY kind of thoughts or motives? She claims she really just wanted to say hi, but I can't help but think that's a lie...
PLUS, for as many times as she said she wouldn't stop talking to this guy on the premise or "I've never given you a reason not to trust me", the DAY AFTER she packed up and left I called her and said "Hey, look...while you're still my wife, PLEASE stop talking to him." She said "OK', and according to her phone usage (she was still on my account for a few weeks after that), She didn't call or text this guy. weird.

[Ladybugsmom]

I'm onot divorced, but am a child of multiple divorces, and can tell you, the kids will be fine, IF, and ONLY if you keep them out of the middle. Don't talk about her to them or in front of them. If the two of you have a hard time remaining civil to each other, be sure the kids aren't around when you talk to her. It took a lot of hard work and 7 years for my husband to develop a decent "co-parenting" relationship with his ex. My stepson is 13 now, but he has some serious lack of respect for his parents because of everything he heard and saw between them over the past 10 years.
Hang in there....

[Mrvnmartian]

Originally Posted by hrpiii

Well, as much as I would like to jump on the bandwagon and say you did it, something is not right on her side. I do NOT think you are getting the full story from her. I'm betting money, she is seeing a male friend,.....

Go your own way, think of the kids and how best to give them what they need, be there for them <-- them, not her.

Originally Posted by navyblue2000

Funny part it when we went to the counselor I brought up the fact that she had regular contact with a male friend, and I started to become uncomfortable with it, but she refused to stop because, in her words "I've never given you a reason not to trust me." Counselor told her it would be best for her to stop contact with him too, because even though this guy friend had been through a lot, she couldn't "be the head cheerleader for two guys". Somewhere between the end of the counseling session and 2 hours later when we met with our pastor, she had sent him a facebook message "Counseling session was great, can't wait to tell you more later". She wanted to tell him about how the counselor got onto me pretty hard about what I did.

Hint: When you give someone your email passwords (she wanted mine, and she gave me hers), make sure you delete your deleted items folder if you have something to hide. She didn't, and I found several facebook messages that were questionable. For example, why would someone send you a facebook message at midnight saying "You're probably sound asleep, but I just wanted to say hi", without ANY kind of thoughts or motives? She claims she really just wanted to say hi, but I can't help but think that's a lie...
PLUS, for as many times as she said she wouldn't stop talking to this guy on the premise or "I've never given you a reason not to trust me", the DAY AFTER she packed up and left I called her and said "Hey, look...while you're still my wife, PLEASE stop talking to him." She said "OK', and according to her phone usage (she was still on my account for a few weeks after that), She didn't call or text this guy. weird.

I was going to say, before it was already mentioned and you stated this that she was probably projecting what she was already doing onto you and your past friend on facebook. I believe she wanted a way out of the marriage so she can be with this other guy and you gave her the out, even with the excepting to go to counseling. I think she wasn't expecting you to agree to that.

Originally Posted by Ladybugsmom

I'm not divorced, but am a child of multiple divorces, and can tell you, the kids will be fine, IF, and ONLY if you keep them out of the middle. Don't talk about her to them or in front of them. If the two of you have a hard time remaining civil to each other, be sure the kids aren't around when you talk to her. It took a lot of hard work and 7 years for my husband to develop a decent "co-parenting" relationship with his ex. My stepson is 13 now, but he has some serious lack of respect for his parents because of everything he heard and saw between them over the past 10 years.
Hang in there....

I've been through 2 divorces where we had children. This is very important, in my opinion. Keep the children out of the middle of it and never say anything bad about their mother, even if she is saying bad things about you. Good luck and keep moving forward and enjoy spending time with your children and the camaro.