Just for a Wednesday chuckle....Sorry if it's a repost, still some pretty funny stuff. Sorry for the CAPS, this was e-mailed to me and I didn't feel like retyping it.
CAN YOU CRY UNDER WATER?
You can. As crying is the term given to describe the action of your lacrimal gland secreting more fluid, so much that it over powers the lacrimal duct and the excess pours out onto your cheek.
HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED?
You do not necessarily have to be important, just political. As to assassinate someone is to kill them for political or business means.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO "PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN".. BUT IT'S ONLY A "PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS"? WHERE'S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING TO?
The extra penny is for the buy-in
ONCE YOU'RE IN HEAVEN, DO YOU GET STUCK WEARING THE CLOTHES YOU WERE BURIED IN FOR ETERNITY?
You get a nice white snuggie 
WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX?
Same reason that hotdogs come in packages of 7, but the buns come in packages of 8. It's all marketing. That and probably easier to transport square boxes than round ones.
WHAT DISEASE DID CURED HAM ACTUALLY HAVE?
The "cured" name comes from the ham being cured of spoiling. As in the olden days meat had a very short life span, so "curing" was invented.
HOW IS IT THAT WE PUT MAN ON THE MOON BEFORE WE FIGURED OUT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?
Because we were competing with the Russians, and back then people were in shape. So they were able to carry their luggage.
WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY "SLEPT LIKE A BABY" WHEN BABIES WAKE UP LIKE EVERY TWO HOURS?
Because babies do sleep peacefully. On the rare occasion that they do anyway.
IF A DEAF PERSON HAS TO GO TO COURT, IS IT STILL CALLED A HEARING?
WHY ARE YOU IN A MOVIE, BUT YOU'RE ON TV?
Yes. Because a movie is not the same thing as a television. So you watch a movie on a television.
WHY DO PEOPLE PAY TO GO UP TALL BUILDINGS AND THEN PUT MONEY IN BINOCULARS TO LOOK AT THINGS ON THE GROUND?
People think having a birds eye view is the bee's knees.
WHY DO DOCTORS LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU CHANGE? THEY'RE GOING TO SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY.
Common courtesy, and not always. Only during a full physical do they see you naked.
WHY IS "BRA" SINGULAR AND "PANTIES" PLURAL?
Same reason you have "pants", we consider them to be plural because we have two legs.
WHY DO TOASTERS ALWAYS HAVE A SETTING THAT BURNS THE TOAST TO A HORRIBLE CRISP, WHICH NO DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD EAT?
Someone likes their toast burned to a crisp. They wouldn't do it if there wasn't a market for it.
IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO ONE CARES, WHY IS THERE A STUPID SONG ABOUT HIM?
Jimmy wrote the song, and still no one cares.
IF THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND CAN MAKE A RADIO OUT OF A COCONUT, WHY CAN'T HE FIX A HOLE IN A BOAT?
Because they don't want to leave the island, and if they left that would be an end to one of the greater old tv series.
WHY DOES GOOFY STAND ERECT WHILE PLUTO REMAINS ON ALL FOURS? THEY'RE BOTH DOGS!
Pluto wanted to drive a mustang when he was little.
IF WILEY E. COYOTE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ALL THAT ACME CRAP, WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BUY DINNER?
It's all about the chase. The thrill of catching your own dinner.
IF CORN OIL IS MADE FROM CORN, AND VEGETABLE OIL IS MADE FROM VEGETABLES, WHAT IS BABY OIL MADE FROM?
Purified Water, Mineral Oil, Cetyl Alcohol, Triethanolamine, Aloe Vera Extract, Fragrance, Calendula Extract, Vitamin E Acetate, Methyl Paraben, Chamomile Oil, Propyl Paraben, Butyl Paraben.
IF ELECTRICITY COMES FROM ELECTRONS, DOES MORALITY COME FROM MORONS?
possibly. One could argue that the uneducated are the only ones whom could make an objective decision about something as they are not tainted by greed/society
DO THE ALPHABET SONG AND TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR HAVE THE SAME TUNE?
Yes.
WHY DID YOU JUST TRY SINGING THE TWO SONGS ABOVE?
I didn't. I knew the answer already.
WHY DO THEY CALL IT AN ASTEROID WHEN IT'S OUTSIDE THE HEMISPHERE, BUT CALL IT A HEMORRHOID WHEN IT'S IN YOUR BUTT?
Again two completely different terms. Also a hemorrhoid isn't in your butt. It is usually sequestered to the anal sphincter
DID YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WHEN YOU BLOW IN A DOG'S FACE, HE GETS MAD AT YOU, BUT WHEN YOU TAKE HIM FOR A CAR RIDE, HE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW?
Dogs like to do things themselves